i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
