i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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