I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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