i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
