I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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