mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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