woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
