Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
