Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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