Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
