i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
