My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
