I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
