I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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