His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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