I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
