we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
