Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
