It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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