Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i've created a new STD.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
