Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
