Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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