it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
