Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it because I queefed?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
