yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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