I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
