Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
