If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
