dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
