Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
