Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
