my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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