walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
