you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
