she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
