So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
