Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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