so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
