He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
