he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
