I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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