the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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