i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
