my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
