last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
