Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
