he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
