I puked a lego.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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