ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
