been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
