i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
