and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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