new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
