Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
