So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
