Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
