I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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