the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
